Turning Toward Connection: Recognizing and Responding to Bids

In the early 1980s, psychologist John Gottman set out to understand what makes some marriages thrive while others fall apart. Over decades of research observing thousands of couples in his “Love Lab,” Gottman discovered a predictor of relationship success. It wasn’t grand gestures, shared interests, or even the absence of conflict. Instead, it was how partners responded to small, everyday interactions. Gottman calls these “bids for connection.”

A bid could be as minor as one partner mentioning how beautiful the sunset looks, casually asking how the other’s day went, or reaching for a hand. Happy couples consistently turned toward these bids. Struggling couples, however, tended to turn away from these small attempts to connect. Over time, these micro-interactions added up, shaping the emotional climate of the relationship.

While Gottman’s work focused on romantic relationships, his findings have implications for leadership and workplace culture. Organizations, like marriages, are built on relationships, and these relationships are strengthened—or weakened—through everyday interactions.

Learn to Recognize Bids

People are constantly making bids for connection through comments, questions, and nonverbal gestures. Bids can be obvious, like a direct request for feedback, or subtle, like a team member pausing after a comment, hoping for acknowledgment. Since leaders who recognize bids are more attuned to their teams and are successful at building stronger relationships, let’s explore several types of bids that are relevant in organizational contexts:

Bids for Attention: People make bids for attention to see if someone is paying attention or to share an experience.

“Look at this!” (Pointing something out)
A wave or a glance seeking acknowledgment.
A pause in conversation to check if someone is listening.

Bids for Affiliation: These bids aim to build or reinforce relationships, often through shared experiences or humor.

“Hey, want to grab lunch together?” (Invitation for connection)
“Did you see the game last night?” (Casual engagement)
Playful teasing or inside jokes.

Bids for Validation & Recognition: People seek affirmation of their efforts, ideas, or emotions through these bids.

“Do you think I did a good job on that presentation?” (Seeking recognition)
“I really worked hard on this project.” (Implied bid for appreciation)
“That meeting was tough.” (A bid for emotional validation)

Bids for Support: These bids reflect a need for guidance, comfort, or encouragement.

“I’m not sure how to handle this.” (Seeking advice)
“I feel like I failed today.” (Looking for reassurance)
“Can you help me figure this out?” (Request for assistance)

While the examples above focus on verbal bids, bids for connection are often nonverbal. A colleague lingering at your desk before a meeting, an employee glancing up after making a point in a discussion, or a team member sighing after reading an email can all be subtle attempts at connection.

Great leaders don’t just recognize bids, they learn to respond to them in ways that build stronger relationships.

Ways People Respond to Bids

In any interpersonal interaction, we have three choices in how we respond to bids. According to Gottman, we can turn toward, turn away, or turn against bids.

Turning Toward

Turing toward a bid means actively acknowledging and engaging with it, strengthening the relationship in the process. This can take different forms depending on the situation. Active engagement involves fully responding and inviting deeper interaction, such as asking follow-up questions or showing genuine enthusiasm. In some cases, a simple acknowledgment such as offering a brief but warm response letting the other person know they’ve been heard, is enough. Another way to turn toward a bid is through emotional validation, which affirms the person’s feelings and experiences. When you turn toward, Gottman calls these deposits into the emotional bank account for the relationship. Just like in banking, consistent deposits create a strong balance, so that even when challenges arise, the relationship remains strong.

Turning Away

Turning away from a bid happens when someone fails to respond meaningfully, whether due to distraction, deflection, or disinterest. This represents a missed opportunity for a deposit—or worse, a small withdrawal—from the Emotional Bank Account. This can take the form of disengagement, where the response is minimal or distracted, such as absentmindedly nodding without real listening. In other cases, a person might deflect, shifting the conversation away from the bid rather than engaging with it—like changing the subject or brushing off the comment. The most unintentional but still damaging response is overlooking the bid entirely, where the attempt at connection goes completely unnoticed or ignored. While turning away may not be intentionally harmful, repeated instances can cause the Emotional Bank Account to slowly deplete, leading to disconnection.

Turning Against

Turning against a bid is the most damaging response, as it actively dismisses or rejects the attempt at connection, making a significant withdrawal from the Emotional Bank Account. This happens through criticism, where the person responding blames, minimizes, or shuts down the bid instead of engaging constructively; or through mocking or sarcasm, where humor is used to belittle the other person’s concerns, making them feel dismissed or ridiculed. In more escalated cases, a defensive reaction may occur, where frustration or aggression turns the interaction into a negative experience. Just as repeated withdrawals can empty a bank account, consistent rejections of bids erode trust, making it harder to repair the relationship over time.

In each choice, you must be aware of your verbal and nonverbal communication.

Response Type	Verbal Examples	Nonverbal Examples
Turning Toward	“That’s a great idea—tell me more.” “I can see why that’s frustrating. How can I help?” “That sounds exciting. Congrats!”	Making eye contact, nodding, leaning in to show engagement. Smiling or mirroring positive body language. Pausing to give full attention.
Turning Away	“Oh, okay.” (without follow-up) “We’ll talk later.” (changing the subject) Silence when a bid is made.	Looking at a phone while someone speaks. Walking away mid-conversation. Nodding absentmindedly without real engagement.
Turning Against	“That’s not a big deal, stop whining.” “Oh great, another complaint.” (sarcasm) “I don’t have time for this—figure it out yourself.”	Rolling eyes, sighing loudly, turning away physically. Interrupting or talking over someone. Crossed arms, closed-off posture, or physically

Gottman’s research shows that strong marriages are built on frequent small deposits. Strong workplace relationships are built the same way. But recognizing and responding to bids effectively requires both self-awareness and social awareness. How attuned are you to the connection-seeking cues of those around you, and how well do you understand your own response tendencies?

Know Others: Recognize When Others Seek Connection

Before you can respond to a bid, you first have to notice it. Those with high social awareness pick up on others’ bids easily, and those with low social awareness struggle to recognize bids, either missing them completely or misinterpreting them.

Most of us don’t intentionally ignore bids for connection. The problem is often busyness, distraction, or a lack of awareness. Here are some common ways bids are overlooked:

An employee shares an idea in a meeting, but the manager quickly moves on without acknowledging it.
A team member makes a joke or personal comment, but the leader is too preoccupied to notice.
An employee seeks feedback, but the supervisor provides only vague or generic responses.
A client expresses frustration about a challenge, and the service representative responds with problem-solving rather than empathy.

Over time, these small missed opportunities send an unspoken message: Your contributions don’t matter. Your voice isn’t heard. You are not valued.

Recognizing bids for connection requires the ability to notice both verbal and nonverbal cues that signal a need for connection. Developing this skill starts with active listening, focusing on the intent and emotions behind what someone is saying rather than just their words. Observing nonverbal cues such as eye contact, posture, and tone can also reveal subtle bids that may not be explicitly stated.

Since people seek connection in different ways, recognizing patterned behavior helps identify whether someone tends to make bids through humor, small talk, or indirect comments. To avoid missing these moments, slow down and be present by reducing distractions and tuning into interactions more intentionally. Finally, seeking feedback and self-reflecting on past conversations can help you recognize where you might be overlooking opportunities to turn toward bids.

Know Yourself: Understand Your Own Responses to Bids

Social awareness helps you recognize bids, but self-awareness involves recognizing our habitual ways of reacting to bids from others. Those with high self-awareness understand how they typically respond to bids, and those with low self-awareness may react without realizing their impact on the interaction.

To develop self-awareness, start by reflecting on past interactions. Do you often respond without thinking, or do you take time to acknowledge bids for connection? Noticing your tendencies is the first step toward change. Reflecting about daily interactions and seeking feedback from others can help deepen self-awareness.

It’s one thing to be aware of how you tend to respond to bids; it’s another to recognize a bid in the moment and make the choice to turn toward it.

Where Do You Fall On The Bid Matrix?

To understand how we engage with bids for connection, we can use a the following matrix:

If you are in the upper right quadrant, you likely already recognize when others make bids and the way you tend to respond. Your challenge is not just maintaining this awareness but consistently recognizing and responding to bids appropriately. Consider mentoring others who may struggle with this skill.

If you are in the lower right quadrant, you understand your own response patterns but may struggle to notice when others are making bids. To improve, focus on practicing active listening and observing nonverbal cues—pay attention to shifts in tone, pauses in conversation, or body language that might signal someone seeking engagement. Small changes, like maintaining eye contact and asking follow-up questions, can help build stronger connections.

If you are in the lower left quadrant, bids for connection might be happening around you, but you may not recognize them or realize how your responses impact relationships. The best place to start is self-reflection—think about past interactions and consider whether you may have missed or dismissed bids unintentionally. Seeking feedback from close colleagues or friends can also provide valuable insight into how others perceive you.

If you are in the upper left quadrant, you likely read people well and recognize when others are making bids, but you may not be fully aware of how your own responses shape the interaction. Track your responses to bids—are you ignoring, dismissing, or responding in a way that discourages further connection? Becoming more intentional in how you respond can help bridge the gap between recognizing bids and actually turning toward them.

No matter where you fall in the matrix, here are five ways you can start turning toward bids more consistently:

Acknowledge and Validate: When a colleague shares a thought, whether in a meeting or a one-on-one, take a moment to acknowledge it. A simple “That’s an interesting idea” or “I see where you’re coming from” can go a long way.
Be Present: Eye contact, active listening, and putting away devices shows others they have your full attention.
Encourage More Interaction: If someone makes a bid, follow up with open-ended questions: “Tell me more about that” or “How did you come up with that idea?”
Celebrate Small Wins: Recognition doesn’t have to be grand. A quick “Great work on that project” or a handwritten note of appreciation builds connection.
Match Energy Levels: If someone makes a lighthearted bid, reciprocate in kind. If they express concern, respond with empathy before jumping into solutions.

Leadership is about human connection. The best leaders recognize that every interaction—no matter how small—is an opportunity to strengthen relationships.

Sources

Goleman, D. (1998). Working with emotional intelligence. Bantam Books.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.

ANDREW

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