Before You Speak, Ask Yourself Three Questions

Early in my career, I didn’t give much thought to when I spoke up in department meetings. I contributed when I had something to say and stayed quiet when I didn’t.

Then I started finding myself in meetings with higher-level decision makers. The stakes were different, the airtime was limited, and I realized the way I contributed needed to adjust. I mentioned that observation with a mentor, and he shared three questions I’ve been using ever since:

Before you speak, ask yourself three questions:

• Does it need to be said?

• Does it need to be said by me?

• Does it need to be said right now?

When I first started using these questions, I viewed them primarily as a form of self-regulation. Most of us have experienced the consequences of speaking too quickly, reacting emotionally, or offering an opinion that wasn't helpful. The questions served as a filter. More often than not, I assumed the answer to one or more of them would be "no."

I still believe these questions encourage thoughtful communication. But I no longer think they’re only designed to keep us from speaking. Sometimes they remind us that we should.

Does It Need to Be Said?

Some observations are better kept to ourselves, and not every silence needs to be filled. Before speaking, it's worth asking whether your contribution will improve the conversation. 

At the same time, some conversations are missing an important perspective. Maybe an assumption goes unchallenged, or an idea that could move the discussion forward stays in someone's head. In those situations, the answer may be yes.

The goal is to contribute when your words add value.

Does It Need to Be Said by Me?

Sometimes someone else is better positioned to speak. They have greater expertise, stronger relationships, or more credibility on the topic.

Other times, you’re the one with information others don’t have. You may see a problem that hasn’t been acknowledged, or recognize that someone who isn’t in the room deserves to have their interests represented. 

I’ve been in meetings where speaking up felt risky. Remaining silent would have been easier. Yet I also knew that if I chose not to speak, I would have to live with that decision after the meeting ended.

Both choices carry consequences. Sometimes integrity means having the courage to say what needs to be said, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Does It Need to Be Said Right Now?

Even an important message can fail if it’s delivered at the wrong moment. Emotions may be running too high, you may need more information, or the conversation may belong in private rather than in front of a group.

Waiting carries risks of its own. A decision may be about to be made, or a misunderstanding may be spreading before you get the chance to speak. 

Knowing when to speak takes as much wisdom as knowing what to say.

Making Space and Taking Space

I’ve come to think of communication as balancing two responsibilities. Sometimes we make space by listening, asking questions, and inviting others into the conversation. Other times we take space by sharing an idea, raising a concern, or offering a perspective others need to hear. The same three questions can lead to different answers depending on the situation.

Before your next meeting, ask these questions with an open mind. You may find that the conversation benefits most from the words you hold back, or that it needs the words only you can provide.