How to Stay Grounded When Emotions Rise

Early in my career, I worked in a department where the office manager kept track of our vacation time. Every month, she’d send out a spreadsheet with each person’s vacation balance: days used and days remaining. It should’ve been a straightforward system, but from the very first time I received the file, my numbers were wrong.

I’d go back through my calendar, pull up emails, and reply with a list of corrections. Each time she updated the file, I hoped the errors would stop. They didn’t. One day—on a day I was already feeling at my limit—the file landed in my inbox again, and once again, it claimed I’d taken more vacation than I had. This time, I didn’t gather my documentation. I didn’t double-check my math. I sent a sharp reply accusing the office manager of intentionally fudging the numbers.

I regretted that email as soon as I hit send. It didn’t match how I wanted to be known. I wasn’t proud of how I handled it, and looking back, I realize now that I didn’t have the emotional regulation tools I needed to handle this type of situation. 

AVP: Acknowledge, Validate, Permit

Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy teaches an approach to emotional regulation known as AVP: Acknowledge, Validate, Permit. It’s a simple framework for emotional regulation that helps you stay grounded instead of reactive. Here’s how it works:

• Acknowledge: Notice and name the emotion you’re feeling. Even something as simple as “Hi, annoyance” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed” helps.

  
  

• Validate: Remind yourself that your feelings make sense. “It makes sense that I’m annoyed. This isn’t the first time this mistake has happened.”

  
  

• Permit: Give yourself full permission to feel that emotion. “I give myself permission to feel frustrated right now. And I can cope with it.”

Instead of trying to suppress the emotion or letting it explode out, we recognize it, accept it, and stay grounded in how we want to respond.

AVP in Everyday Life

I’ve been trying out AVP in different areas of my life. Here are a few examples:

• As a parent: When my kids are arguing over something that seems silly to me. “Hi, irritability. It makes sense—I’m tired, and I’ve asked them to quiet down twice in the last 30 minutes. I give myself permission to feel frustrated. And I trust this feeling will pass.”

  
  

• As a husband: When I’m feeling short-tempered but don’t want to speak more sharply than I intend.  “I’m feeling on edge. That makes sense. I’ve had back-to-back meetings all day. I’m allowed to feel this way. And I can still choose to respond with care.”

  
  

• As a teacher: When a student doesn’t show up prepared after several reminders. “Hi disappointment. It makes sense. I’ve put a lot into this course, and I care about their learning. I give myself permission to feel discouraged. And I can handle this.”

We’re not at our best when we ignore or deny our emotions. But we’re also not at our best when we let our emotions take the wheel. AVP offers a middle path: honoring the feeling, and still choosing how we act. 

Grounded in Research

Each part of the AVP framework is grounded in well-established psychological research.

• Acknowledge: Naming what we feel, sometimes referred to as affect labeling, can help reduce emotional intensity. Studies have shown that putting feelings into words activates areas of the brain associated with self-control and dampens reactivity in the amygdala (Lieberman et al., 2007).

  
  

• Validate: Emotional validation has been found to lower distress and support emotional regulation. Even brief moments of validation can reduce defensiveness and increase receptiveness in interpersonal situations (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011).

  
  

• Permit: Allowing emotions to exist without judgment is a core principle of acceptance-based approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Research shows that psychological flexibility—our ability to accept and work with difficult emotions—leads to better mental health outcomes (Hayes et al., 2006).

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The next time you feel an emotion rising in you—annoyance, anxiety, shame, guilt—try AVP. You don’t have to push the feeling away. You just have to acknowledge it, honor it, and remind yourself: I have the tools I need to cope with this situation.

Sources

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006

Lieberman, M. D., Inagaki, T. K., Tabibnia, G., & Crockett, M. J. (2007). Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x

Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163–183. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2011.30.2.163