From the sidelines of a weekend soccer game, you can often hear the “joysticking” parent or coach—calling out a continuous stream of instructions to the players on the field.
“Pass it! Stay wide! Shoot! Get back!”
The player glances over nervously. Instead of reacting to the game, they freeze, unsure of their next move because every decision is being dictated. Their goal shifts from playing the game to avoiding mistakes. In the process, they become passive, waiting for instructions instead of making their own choices.
Joysticking isn’t limited to youth soccer—it occurs at work, at home, and anywhere people take on leadership roles. And just like in sports, the results are often the same: hesitation, stifled creativity, and eroded confidence.
Why Joysticking Fails in Everyday Situations
When leaders, parents, or coaches hold the joystick too tightly, they stifle the very growth they’re trying to encourage.
In leadership, joysticking becomes micromanagement. A manager who gives non-stop direction on every minor task prevents employees from taking initiative. They rob their team of the chance to develop problem-solving skills, confidence, and a sense of ownership over their work. Instead, employees focus on doing only what’s asked, afraid of making mistakes or stepping outside the lines.
In parenting, joysticking leads to children who are afraid to take risks. If every decision is made for them, they never learn to trust their own judgment. They hesitate, always looking for approval, unsure of their own ability to make independent decisions.
In sports, constant coaching leads to players who stop thinking for themselves. Rather than responding to the flow of the game, they hesitate and wait for instruction. They play it safe instead of trusting their instincts.
What Joysticking Says About You
Joysticking doesn’t just affect the person on the receiving end; it also reveals something about the person doing it. If you find yourself constantly giving instructions, it might reflect certain underlying tendencies:
A Desire for Control: If you’re frequently guiding every step, it might stem from a need to control the outcome. You may feel more comfortable when things are done your way, reducing uncertainty but at the expense of others’ growth.
A Lack of Trust: Joysticking can indicate difficulty in trusting others to make decisions. If you’re worried about mistakes, you might step in too quickly rather than allowing others the chance to learn and prove themselves.
A Fear of Failure: Constant direction can also reveal fear—fear that things won’t go perfectly, or that you’ll be held accountable if they don’t. Joysticking provides a sense of security, but it may ultimately undermine the autonomy of others.
Insecurity in Leadership: For some, joysticking might reflect a lack of confidence in their own leadership abilities. Constantly giving instructions can feel like a way to demonstrate competence or authority, but it often does the opposite.
Impatience: Sometimes it’s easier or faster to take control, but in the long run, it prevents others from developing the skills and confidence they need to succeed on their own.
How to Recognize the Downsides of Over-Control
The downsides of joysticking are clear:
Loss of Confidence: When people aren’t allowed to make their own decisions, they start to second-guess themselves.
Stifled Creativity: Over-directing others limits room for creativity and problem-solving. People become afraid to try new approaches because they don’t want to go against instructions.
Lack of Accountability: When someone is constantly told what to do, they stop taking ownership of their actions. They’re just following orders, not actively engaging with the task or goal at hand.
How Letting Go Builds Trust
The key to overcoming the joysticking trap is trust. Giving those under your direction space to make their own decisions is crucial to their development. Letting go of the joystick empowers others:
Trust in Abilities: By stepping back, you show that you believe in their ability to handle the task. This builds confidence and encourages growth.
Build Resilience: Mistakes are essential to learning. When you let others make decisions—even wrong ones—they learn how to recover and improve. Over time, they build resilience and self-reliance.
Improve Relationships: Trust builds stronger relationships. When people feel empowered to make their own choices, they also feel respected. This leads to better communication and collaboration.
How to Offer Guidance Without Control
Stepping back doesn’t mean abandoning your leadership role. The goal is to communicate in a way that develops autonomy rather than dependence. You can give guidance without taking over by applying these strategies:
Ask questions instead of giving orders. Questions like, “What do you think you should do next?” or “How would you solve this?” encourage critical thinking and problem-solving.
Set clear expectations. But allow flexibility within those boundaries. Let people know what the outcome should be and give them freedom to figure out how to get there.
Provide feedback as a guide, not a controller. Focus on offering feedback after the fact, rather than dictating every step along the way.
Encourage reflection. Help others reflect on their decisions and learn from them, rather than making those decisions for them.
How to Lead by Letting Go
Joysticking—whether in sports, in the office, or at home—is tempting because it gives the illusion of control. But real leadership requires letting go. It’s about trusting others to make decisions, allowing them to grow through trial and error, and building confidence in their abilities.
By letting go of the joystick, you’re not relinquishing your role as a leader—you’re empowering others to succeed.
Note: Constant instruction is sometimes necessary. In emergencies—like during a fire or a medical crisis—quick, clear direction can be life-saving. And in high-stakes environments, like military operations, where hesitation can be dangerous, being told exactly what to do can make all the difference. But let’s be honest—most of us aren’t running military missions or dealing with life-and-death situations at work. Yet, somehow, we still find ourselves joysticking in everyday life.
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