How Asking for Consent Can Improve Everyday Communication
Updated: Aug 29
My wife and I homeschool our two children. It’s something we love, and our kids seems to love too. We get to design their learning around their interests, explore topics deeply, and create an environment that’s supportive and fun.
But we face one recurring challenge. Because homeschooling doesn't follow a traditional schedule, our roles as parents and teachers are constantly shifting. We're always moving between being mom or dad and being the teacher or the coach. Sometimes, that transition can be tricky. Some days our kids don't want another lesson. They're just done. In those moments, we feel the tension of pushing through to teach something we think is important versus respecting where they are emotionally.
What has helped us manage this tension is asking for consent. Instead of launching into a math exercise or insisting on an impromptu science experiment, we’ve begun asking, “Are you ready for this right now?” or “Would you like to do this lesson now or later?” By asking for consent, we give them some control over their learning. It’s led to more open conversations about what they need and when they’re ready to learn. It’s also taught them that their voice matters.
Understanding Consent
Consent is the practice of recognizing another person’s right to decide what happens to them or with them. It involves clear communication, mutual agreement, and respect for personal boundaries. In intimate relationships, consent means that all parties are willing participants in any interaction. The same approach can enhance our daily communications by promoting understanding and respect.
Research suggests this idea extends to the workplace as well. Vanessa Bohns and Rachel Schlund argue that consent is relevant to many everyday organizational interactions, including the informal requests we make of one another. More recent research suggests that simply telling someone they can say no may not be enough. In two experiments, people felt more freedom to choose when the person making the request also gave them language they could use to decline.
Imagine, for example, a manager asking an employee to take on an additional assignment. Saying, “It’s okay if you can’t” gives the employee permission to decline. But saying, “If you don’t have the capacity, you can just say, ‘I can’t take that on right now,’” also gives them language for doing it. That small difference may make declining feel easier.
The researchers did not study manager-employee relationships specifically, so we should be cautious about applying the finding too broadly. Still, it points to an important idea: when we have more power in an interaction, asking may not be enough. We can also make it easier for the other person to say no.
Practicing Consent in Everyday Interactions
Incorporating consent into daily interactions demonstrates respect for others’ autonomy. It can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts, leading to better relationships. By seeking consent, we acknowledge and honor the personal boundaries of those we interact with, which is fundamental to building trust.
Let’s look at five specific instances where practicing consent can improve communication, along with the specific language we can use to make these interactions more effective.
Physical Interactions: Before initiating physical contact, such as hugging or touching, ask, “May I give you a hug?” Asking for permission gives the other person an opportunity to indicate their comfort and willingness.”
Sharing Personal Information: Before sharing someone’s personal stories or information, obtain their explicit consent in order to maintain trust and respect their privacy.
Offering Assistance: Instead of immediately offering help, ask, “Would you like some help with this?” The question allows the other person to feel supported rather than controlled.
Providing Feedback: Before giving feedback, ask, “Do you have a moment for some feedback?” Checking in first helps ensure the recipient is prepared and receptive.
Introducing New Ideas: When proposing a new approach or idea, ask, “Would you be open to exploring a different method?” Inviting input helps people feel included in the decision-making process.
Addressing Common Misconceptions
Some people believe that asking for consent makes them appear hesitant, undermines their authority, or takes too much time. But these perspectives miss the real value of practicing consent: it’s a way to show respect for others, enhance communication, and strengthen relationships.
Perceived Hesitancy: Some worry that asking for consent might make them appear unsure or hesitant. In reality, seeking consent signals respect, as it acknowledges the other person’s autonomy.
Authority Concerns: Another misconception is that asking for consent diminishes your authority. In fact, it shows confidence and empathy: the confidence to give others agency and the empathy to understand that they might not always be ready for what you have to say at that moment.
Efficiency Myths: Some may think that asking for consent takes too much time or that it complicates decision-making. While it may add a momentary pause, that pause can lead to better understanding and more effective outcomes in the long run.
By integrating consent into our daily interactions, we honor each other’s boundaries and needs. This practice can increase trust and mutual understanding, leading to more effective communication in all aspects of life.
Where could you ask before you act this week?
References
Bohns, V. K., & Schlund, R. (2020). Consent is an organizational behavior issue. Research in Organizational Behavior, 40, 100138.
Schlund, R., Sommers, R., & Bohns, V. K. (2024). Giving people the words to say no leads them to feel freer to say yes. Scientific Reports, 14(1), 576.
