Asking Open and Honest Questions as a Leadership Practice

Open and honest questions create space for people to think, feel, and make sense of their own experience. I learned the value of this approach at home before I ever applied it in a professional setting.

For many years, when my wife started to describe a problem, my instinct was to solve it. My attention focused on diagnosing the issue and responding with suggestions, based on the belief that helping meant offering answers.

Over time, I realized that much of the time my wife was not asking for advice. She wanted to be heard. When I began asking open and honest questions instead, questions that invited reflection rather than resolution, the tone of those conversations changed. My wife spoke more freely. I listened more carefully. We felt more connected.

Only later did I realize that the same approach that helped my wife feel heard also improved my effectiveness as a leader and coach. In professional settings, especially when someone is navigating uncertainty or frustration, asking open and honest questions often contributes more than telling or advising.

The Roots of Open and Honest Questions

The practice of asking open and honest questions comes from a reflective and spiritual tradition most clearly articulated by Parker J. Palmer, founder of the Center for Courage and Renewal and author of A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life. In that work, Palmer describes open and honest questions as a disciplined way of listening that honors the inner teacher in another person.

The Center for Courage and Renewal has translated this philosophy into practical guidance for how questions can be asked in ways that invite insight rather than impose direction. According to their framework, an open and honest question has no predetermined answer, stays true to the speaker’s own language, and creates space for exploration rather than analysis or judgment.

What Makes a Question Open and Honest

Open and honest questions are grounded in curiosity rather than control. They are not asked to gather data, confirm assumptions, or move the conversation toward a specific outcome. Instead, they invite the other person to hear themselves more clearly.

These questions tend to:

• Avoid yes or no answers.

• Reflect the speaker’s words rather than reframing them.

• Focus on present experience rather than fixing the past or predicting the future.

• Remain brief and uncluttered, without explanation or justification.

Examples include:

• “What feels hardest about this right now?”

• “What surprised you as you were describing that?”

• “When you said this felt impossible, what does that mean to you?”

Each of these questions opens a door rather than pointing toward a solution.

Why Asking Open Questions Takes Practice

Asking open and honest questions is a skill you can develop and it takes practice. Many of us have been rewarded for offering answers, solving problems, and moving things forward. Those habits are useful, and they can make it difficult to remain curious when someone brings us a challenge.

“Learning to ask open and honest questions is demanding, but developing the skills can help strengthen and deepen many relationships.” - Parker J. Palmer

The impulse to advise often appears early in a conversation. It can show up as a suggestion, a reframing, or a question that points toward a preferred outcome. Learning to ask open questions requires noticing that impulse and choosing a different response.

Let’s consider an example: A colleague describes tension with their team. You see a clear path forward and feel confident it would help.

A practiced but limiting response sounds like this: “Don’t you think it would help if you were more direct with them?”

The question feels supportive, yet it narrows the conversation. It signals that the listener already has an answer in mind.

A more practiced response sounds like this: “What feels most challenging for you about this situation right now?”

That question does less on the surface and more underneath. It gives the speaker room to reflect, hear themselves, and often discover something new in the process.

The difference between these two responses is subtle, and that is why practice matters. Open questions require restraint. They ask the listener to stay with uncertainty a bit longer and to trust that insight does not need to be rushed.

Another common challenge involves language. Open and honest questions stay close to the words the other person is already using. That requires careful listening and patience.

For example, when someone says, “This feels impossible,” an unpracticed response might reframe the emotion or move past it. A more disciplined response sounds like, “When you say this feels impossible, what does that mean to you?”

Here, the question reflects rather than reinterprets. It invites exploration instead of correction.

Guidance from the Center for Courage and Renewal emphasizes that learning this practice involves returning to curiosity again and again after slipping back into familiar fixing habits. That cycle is part of the work, not a failure of it.

Why This Matters for Leaders and Coaches

Leadership roles often reward speed, certainty, and problem solving. Coaching moments call for a different stance. When someone is facing ambiguity, frustration, or a complex decision, advice can unintentionally short-circuit their thinking. Open and honest questions slow the interaction just enough to let insight surface.

In professional settings, this practice can:

• Increase ownership by allowing others to generate their own conclusions.

• Build trust by signaling respect for another person’s perspective.

• Reveal assumptions, emotions, and values that remain hidden in solution-driven conversations.

With this approach, questions come first. Advice comes later, if it is needed at all.

Knowing When to Ask and When to Tell

Open and honest questions can support better conversations when they’re used in the right situations. There are times when leaders need to provide information, make a decision, or offer clear direction, especially when time, safety, or alignment is at stake. In those cases, asking questions may slow progress or create unnecessary ambiguity. The discipline is learning to read the moment and decide whether clarity or curiosity will be more helpful.

Coaching conversations, developmental feedback, and moments of uncertainty often benefit most from questions that open rather than close. As the Center for Courage and Renewal reminds us, learning this practice takes patience. Most of us are conditioned to fix and advise. Open and honest questions ask us to trust the person in front of us, trust the process, and trust that insight often emerges when space is created for it.

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Open and honest questions give you a different way to show up for others. When you resist the urge to fix and choose to stay curious, you create space for better thinking and more honest reflection. This practice takes patience and repetition, especially when you care and want to help. With time, listening this way tends to deepen conversations and build trust. Most importantly, it gives the other person room to hear their own inner wisdom.

References

Marcia Eames-Sheavly. (n.d.). Honest and open questions as a spiritual practice. Center for Courage and Renewal. https://couragerenewal.org/library/honest-and-open-questions-as-a-spiritual-practice/

Parker J. Palmer. (2004). A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.