Why Checking Your Perception Beats Reading Between the Lines
- Andrew Quagliata
- Jan 4, 2022
- 3 min read
Earlier in my career, I worked with someone who responded to feedback with silence. After I finished sharing my thoughts, there was no visible reaction. No nod. No follow-up question. No verbal acknowledgment. We would simply move on.
Over time, I noticed how my mind began assigning meaning to that silence.
I had a judgment: This feedback clearly is not valued.
I formed an opinion: This person probably does not want coaching at all.
I even thoughts to myself: Do you want this feedback?
None of those reactions were grounded in what the other person had actually said or done. They were grounded in the meaning I assigned to the silence.
At some point, it occurred to me that I was violating one of the principles I teach. Rather than continuing to interpret, I needed to check my perception.
So I said: “When I finish sharing feedback and don’t see much reaction, I notice that the conversation goes quiet. I’m wondering whether you might be disengaged or whether you’re processing internally. Can you help me understand?”
The response surprised me. They explained that they were listening carefully and trying not to interrupt the flow of the conversation. They were grateful for the coaching and assumed their attention was obvious.
Clarifying my perception changed the interaction.
What is Perception Checking?
Perception checking is a communication skill designed to reduce misunderstanding when another person’s reactions, intentions, or feelings are open to interpretation. It helps you clarify how another person may be experiencing a situation without assuming that your initial reading is correct.
Perception checking can be accomplished in three steps:
Describe what you observed, focusing only on what you saw or heard, without judgment.
Offer two tentative interpretations of what that behavior might mean.
Ask the other person to clarify which, if either, is accurate.
What We Often Do Instead
When another person’s response is open to interpretation, we rarely say, “Let me check my perception.” Instead, we default to familiar but less effective responses.
Judgments: “You don’t care.”
Opinions: “That probably wasn’t helpful.”
Unanchored questions: “Are you upset?”
Each of these approaches increases the likelihood of misunderstanding. Perception checking slows the interaction just enough to replace assumption with information.
Perception Checking In Practice
Below are examples of how perception checking can be used across different contexts. Each one follows the same structure: a neutral description of behavior, two possible interpretations, and a request for clarification.
With a Supervisor: “When the meeting moved on without discussion, I noticed there weren’t any questions. I’m wondering whether that meant the recommendation was clear or whether there were concerns that didn’t come up. Can you help me understand?”
With an Employee: “I’m wondering whether you’ve been feeling overloaded or whether you’re intentionally stepping back to observe rather than participate. Which is closer?”
With a Friend: “I’m wondering whether you might be feeling angry or whether you’re feeling hurt about what happened earlier. Which is closer?”
With a Partner: “When you didn’t respond earlier, I noticed the conversation paused. I’m wondering whether you were feeling frustrated or whether you were simply busy. Can you help me understand?”
With a Child: “After we discussed the plan, I noticed you stopped talking. I’m wondering whether you’re feeling discouraged or whether you’re thinking it through. Which one fits better?”
Perception checking feels awkward because it requires two forms of restraint. You have to restrain your urge to interpret, and you have to restrain your urge to evaluate.
It also requires humility because you may have to acknowledge that your first reading of a situation may be incomplete.
The payoff is significant. When you check your perception, you often discover that the story you were telling yourself was incomplete or inaccurate. Perception checking does not guarantee agreement, but it increases the chances of mutual understanding.
